I’m sitting in the valley. The mountain in front of me seems too high, too treacherous to tackle in the way and in the amount of time that I want to. The path to it is too rocky and too foreign for an amateur like myself to conquer. But I desperately long to be back on top. Because you see, I remember what those mountaintops feel like it. That exuberant high that comes with spiritual clarity and answered prayers. I know what it feels like to walk hand in hand with God along the right and clear path that he’s set out for me. I still remember when he walked with me through my senior year of high school like it was yesterday. His hand gently guiding me to a closer faith with Him. He opened doors. He showed His plans to me in response to my heartfelt prayers. In that year He changed my life forever. He planted a spiritual passion in me as a new believer, led me to baptism, provided me with an acceptance to a Christian college-one that wasn’t ever on my perceived radar, gave me more knowledge of Him through classes and professors and granted me many blessings in the form of lifetime friendships. He was certainly near. In that year, I felt His presence so incredibly deeply. I heard His whispers of promises. And I praised Him for it all.
But at some point in the years following that one, I began to make my way down the other side of the mountain. But I didn’t always realize it. There were certainly times when I felt distant from Him. Whether that meant at times my prayer life was lacking, that I was incredibly selfish, or that I denied His plans for me. I certainly was missing the feeling of being back on top of the mountain. But this certain mountain was a rolling one. The plateaus on it weren’t significant enough to fully feel the weight of this increasing distance I felt before I made my way up again on another one of its hills. Renewing and refining areas of my spiritual life with fervor. These rolling hills continued for years. It wasn’t until recently, about five years later, that I’ve fully realized I have reached the valley. I’ve come down from that mountain. And not only have I reached its valley, but I have been walking blind in it for quite sometime.
If you know me well you know that letting myself be vulnerable and honest, even with the closest of family and friends, is a struggle (hello blogging world!). I bottle my feelings. And I pack the bottles too tightly. Afraid that if I didn’t push my feelings away but let others in that I would simply be “too much” (my words). Too much to deal with. Too much baggage. Just too much. This is paired with my biggest fear of being misunderstood. And so, rather than deal with these struggles with myself or let others help me, I just kept bottling them up. Hoping that they would eventually be forgotten. But as we all know, they do NOT just go away forgotten. Instead they just sit there. Some get packed even more. But they sit there letting you know that with each passing day they are on the brink of breaking. (Talk about anxiety!)
Last night, one of these bottles finally broke. And boy, was it a packed one. It was filled to the brim with so much dense, moldy, new and forgotten feelings. Ones that longed to escape but never made their way out before they were quickly stuffed back in again. It was filled with not only feelings of inadequacy but just feeling so alone as a sit in this valley. And I wonder what I’ve done wrong? How did I end up here and why? Then shame and doubt sets in. Do I even know God, and do I truly have a relationship with Him as I previously thought? Or have I been walking aimlessly in the wrong, opposite direction. Why do I feel like my prayers only reach the roof lately? Why hasn’t He come to make me “feel” his loving presence. Why isn’t He taking my hand and showing me the way out of this? Why, why, why.
And then. And then. I don’t so much hear or “feel” God’s encouragements, rather He gives me glimpses of understanding as I really take the time with each of these endless layers. I realize that while this “valley” looks vastly different than the mountaintop behind me, it is still a gift from God. I am no longer a new christian in need of His encouragement, rather this is a time where His tough and gritty work within me is happening. I recently listened to a podcast that dealt with this very stage of our christian walk. Through it I learned that during this time (in the valley) God is essentially asking “do you desire the “excitement” or “feelings” of my presence or do you desire ME?”. The feelings God gives us on that mountain are essential and are given to encourage us in our faith. I think they are meant for us to recognize that He DOES have big desires and plans for us. You know this and have heard this promise.
“For I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11
Where God is with us on the mountaintop- where we are encouraged and hear Him clearly, He is also with us in the valley- where we sit tired. And you know what? I think God rejoices during these times of hurt and despair, as we sit in the valley. In all those messy moments as you pick your way through layers of confusion, doubt and shame, he is with us. In fact, I think God delights in this time because ultimately it points to Him and our all encompassing need for Him. I also know that God is sitting right there with me listening intently to my heart and even grieving with me as a shed tears. But He is stepping aside, letting me work through these hard issues, revealing sin and shame in my life. And really its a loving call from Him. He wants me to not just be walking blindly with all these bottles stored up anymore. He’s waiting patiently with me as I work through them, one by one. I’m learning that He’s taking me on a journey to show me who I really am. He’s showing me what’s in my heart and what needs to change. And when I am ready, he will gently guide me along the straight path. This path is most certainly filled with many more mountains, rolling hills, and valleys. But all the same I am encouraged. Even now while I am still sitting here, because I know that He is ultimately leading me to the cross.
And he tells me that when I do get up: “You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.” -Isaiah 55:12
You all must know also that even during this time, I am truly joyful still. I am not completely overcome with all the emotions that these last few days have brought to the surface. Rather, most days I am truly enjoying life: dancing in the kitchen, wandering through this amazing city and in love with my sweet husband. I am however, striving to be better in more areas than one. And also striving to know God more. But even still, when these bottles break I feel ashamed that others, usually Jeremy, gets to experience me pick through each and every layer that has been stuffed in for far too long. But…it’s Jeremy. And he not only listens to it all, but he gets down on his knees and picks up the pieces with me. Moving across the world and dealing with so many different emotions that come with that (again think bottles), I am continually amazed at the way God is using Jeremy to help me work through these muck and messy layers that are coming to the surface lately. Our relationship is more translucent and honest now than it ever has been in the past 8 years. And though being vulnerable is hard, it’s so needed. SO, so needed. I needed that bottle to break last night and I want so many others that I have stored up to break too.
*****
Phew, if your still reading this you are a trooper!! If you have been experiencing the same, I hope in some small way that reading this has been an encouragement to you. God does hear us. Even when we can’t hear or feel Him. Rejoice in this time He is giving you to fully understand your heart…it was crafted and given to you by our loving Father. : )
Have you been through these “mountains” and “valleys”, I would love to hear the ways in which you moved through them and what God has revealed to you in them. Leave me a comment or send me a message, thesimplehavenblog@gmail.com
XO, Lauren
The Simple Haven 